Trigger Warning: eating disorder behaviours, suicide, sexual assault
It was written in the stars before I was born; my lessons in this lifetime were to be Self-love, Self-acceptance, Self-support and Self-empowerment.
I was dealt a hand that the universe knew I could handle; because the fire, resilience and determination in me could never go out, and I would be the one person who could transmute it into love, understanding and change.
So be prepared, she's a BIGGY....
Here are the challenges I was faced with that stripped down my innate self only for me to forgive, learn from and grow into a woman that is soft but sure of herself. As a little girl I was sexually assaulted, not once but for a few years. I felt deeply afraid and so alone. As a teenager I developed an eating disorder that ripped me apart and took me to the edges of hell, i.e. Self-hatred, along with crippling anxiety and depression that made me disappear.
That journey lasted years. Those days felt so dark and scary, confusing, out of control and debilitating. Across the last few years of late teen-hood I was also sexually assaulted, had my consent broken and raped. By this point I felt trapped and dead on the inside, as if my soul wasn't in my body, as though all the light within me had gone. In 2012 I tried to end my life. THANK GOD the universe had a plan in store for me and kept me alive.
Still breathing? Please do, because I am one of the most BLESSED, and I love and own EVERY part of my story. Here's why:
As you can imagine this is just a small summary of my life and only the parts I feel necessary to share in this beautiful moment and space. These events are what tore my entire self apart until I was an empty lifeless shell. Guess what?? That became my blank canvas. To begin painting the most incredible masterpiece that I could see in my mind's eye with a fierce hope and knowing; my incredible intuition. So began the journey of developing my sense of self and building my inner power.
I spent 8 years moving at what felt like a snail pace. Maybe even slower than a snail.. Working my ass off with self-development, psychology, holistic medicine, reading, workshops... I mean, I fricken’ LOVED it all. I also journaled, wrote poetry, drew pictures and painted, and had conversations with many incredible people that helped shift pieces inside of myself.
Slowly, millimetre by millimetre, with hundreds of moments that felt like backwards steps in between, I was shifting, growing and changing. I was building myself up from the rich soil beneath my feet.
All of that has led me to this moment; being a 28 year old beautiful, strong, soft, heart centered, still learning, sure-of-herself woman. A woman who feels happiness almost every single day and laughs her ass off with the biggest grin more frequently than not. A woman that feels safe and creates safety with an abundance of loved ones. A woman who feels like she belongs and has purpose.
Believe it or not, the momentum just kicked in... I can feel my consciousness, cells, body, entire being shifting at the superhero Flash rate. I know I'm only just beginning to touch the surface of my radiant whole self, of what I am capable of, of my potentiality and I am so damn excited to see what comes.
Only now have I truly felt the visceral experience of what self-love is from my heart outward. I'm so excited to dive deeper in. Only now am I voicing my needs and boundaries with much more clarity, consistency and ease. Only now are the foundations of my being moving from survival to thriving. All of which is happening because of the work I did in the preceding years.
I've come to learn; the more I accept myself, the deeper my empowerment becomes. The more I love myself, see myself and believe in myself the more I show up in supporting myself.
Sometimes you have to see yourself as bamboo; growing ever so slowly, building nourishment, knowledge and strength over a few years, even though it's frustrating to feel like you're going nowhere. Because one day when you're not even aware nor thinking about it, you just leap and your momentum becomes unstoppable. Your life changes and patterns rewrite themselves.
My message is that you are on the right track. Keep going and never give up. Follow the path your intuition is leading before you. And above all, trust you in this moment and every moment. You will constantly change; the you in each moment is exactly where she or he is meant to be.